While I was sickest with the worst of the fever days, I experienced what felt like very clear thinking. Actually, Hubby did too, though Hubby said it was more akin to the kind of clarity people describe when associated with psychotropic drugs (in his, he was pondering vastly complex problems and seriously considering which Playmobil figures could best solve them. ahem.). Mine may or may not have been quite that crazy, but one of my most clear thoughts was to stop blogging here. Just stop, never to post again.
Of course, I've already violated that, so I'm going to work through it instead.
It seemed obvious to stop because this space isn't particularly special, not even to me. I record and share some things, but not all things and not important or personal things. When I look at this blog through open eyes, I don't see anything to make it particularly me or to make it stand out from the thousands of other blogs out there, which is a real shame. It's a shame because I love writing and I have a lot to say...and because I'm just not saying it. Maybe I'm too afraid of the exposure and the current trend toward instant snarkiness afforded by blog comment sections and email, though I don't believe that's the whole reason.
In truth, I'm a bit unmoored. I bought a domain name ages ago and wrote out a detailed plan for posts there that honestly I still love. But I'm not using it.
When I was living overseas, I felt more like myself than I do when I'm back in the States. I have never lived anywhere a complete four years in my life. When I was an American abroad, I have found that most people just wanted to know whether or not I could behave myself properly in their country, and then they just let me be who I am. I'm American, I can blend...end of story. No one expects me to know, follow and accept every little social norm and nicety, because they know I'm from somewhere else. Not so in the States. I'm American, I'm in America...so just what the heck is wrong with me anyway? I have yet to find my niche place, because everywhere I go, I'm not from there.
To add to the challenge, I have been outside the US nearly the whole time I've had children. Lots of times, I just don't know how things are done. I don't know how many times after this move I had to try to explain to people that yes, I'm American but I've never had kids in the States before...not that this explanation helps, because most people seemed to recoil at that. Why on Earth not? What's wrong with you? Or worse: what do you think is wrong with us? Having an open world view seems threatening somehow. I have been asked directly just why I hate America so much, which is so not connected to my reality at all.
So bringing this back to the original topic...
This blog is "a muse abroad"...but I'm not abroad.
My domain name is from that perspective too...but I'm here, not there.
I am still me, but I'm somehow not me or not supposed to be me or something like that.
Which is why it seemed obvious to just stop blogging.
I'm not the only person experiencing these things.
And one of my favorite reasons for reading blogs is that connection with people and their experiences as they speak to me as would a friend. I want to do that.
I used to do that.
I miss doing that.
So, to blog or not to blog?
Not sure what the answer is to that question.